Five.

So this may sound a little corny but here goes.... So I'm at a point in my life where I feel very secure.  I'm about to get married, I finally live in a house that feels like home, I have two dogs with whom I think of as my children, and as unstable as the economy is I'm pretty sure I have a stable job.  Everything just seems to have fallen into place.

And now I have MY gym.... it's nice to walk down the stairs and be welcomed by my name... or with a hollered "LB!!!!!!" And to have a trainer there that keeps me going there, even when I don't want to.  I have been a member to numerous gyms and this is the first one that feels right...

See, cheesy.... I know but hey whatever works for you and this seems to be working for me :)

Anyway, so yesterday was Tuesday and we all know Tuesday means 7:30pm torture session with Frankie.....

This time I am going handicapped though.  I made the mistake, the night before, of placing the pad of my thumb on a hot pan while taking my dinner out of the oven.... And then I peeled the blister off leaving myself with a nice fresh quarter sized layer of painfully new skin.

So I meet up with Frankie and here we go.... he instantly walks towards those tormenting medicine balls. Of course I have to object, 'we are NOT doing those torture push ups again, right??????'
He laughs, no this is something different.... I don't like how that sounds...

So we go over to our usual area and he explains we are going to do a cardio sandwich.... um, no thank you,I'm not hungry......

He then explains it's four moves sandwiched between a quarter mile run on the treadmill. (Oh God I hate running)

So he gets me on the treadmill and sets it to 5.0 MPH... This I can handle, a light jog, no problem... apparently this was a problem because he cranked it up to 5.3 mph... I guess 5.0 seemed toooo easy.
I have to admit it wasn't bad, until I went to step off the treadmill.  At my .25 mile mark I hit the stop button, which very quickly slows the machine to a stop.  I must have miscalculated when the belt would stop moving and ended up doing some sort of ballerina looking move nearly losing my balance one leg on the belt one in the air with my face facing the belt... phew that was close...

"Good moves..." Frankie says... thanks pal.

Then we move on to the first of the four moves...

Squat and toss... starting with the 15lb medicine ball held at your chest you dip into a squat and lift back into standing position tossing the ball in the air and catching it.  When you catch it you dip back into a squat and repeat.  10 of these.
This sounds pretty easy except for the burn on my hand being hit every.time.i.catch.the.ball. :x
 First one up, caught, dip... piece of cake!  Second one up catch, oh shit slip, bounce off face, Frankie laughing "did you just hit yourself in the face hahaha,"  yea, I knew that was gonna happen... I'm not exactly what they call graceful.  Luckily I didn't hurt myself, just kinda let it slip through my fingers just enough to knock me in the nose..... I got through the rest of them with no further incident.

Next move, burpee jumps.... say what???  Basically you drop into a frog position, switch to a push up position )no push ups though) then back to the frog position and jump as far as you can... it reminded me of leap frog.

Just ten of these.  Again I say no problem... jump... ribbit... one.... jump... ribbit.... two.... jump.... ribbit.... three.... shit my legs are getting tired.... juuuuump, uh that was hard..... ribbit.... four.... catch my breath... jummmmmmppppp, ughhhhh..... ribbit.... five.... Ok now turn and back the other way!


I took that as hey time for a break stretch it out.... phew..... here comes the sweat.... ok.... five more..... gulp..... five, four, threeeeeeeeeee, t...t...twooooo...... oooooooooooonnnnnnneeeeeee.... DONE! Shit those last two suck!

OK READY SET NEXT MOVE!  On the ground! Catapult crunches... lay on your back in sit up position with your arms stretched out long towards the medicine ball on the ground.  Grab the ball and while lifting into a crunch catapult the 15 pound ball at Frankie...... Hmmmm.... this could be better than I thought.......

Do you know how difficult it is to do this move????? 15 of these.... no don't get me wrong, I really wanted to throw a heavy ball at Frankie... I REALLY wanted to... that wasn't really that hard after I got used to the motion.  I hard part was going up in a complete sit up.... use the weight of the ball to propel you, he says... yea Frankie, easier said than done!

Next move... squats holding the medicine ball above my head... these were ACTUALLY easy for me.  Those damned squats that I curse I was actually welcoming....   That's gotta be a good sign.

Then back to the treadmill... .25 miles.... and back to the kick ass moves.... then back to the treadmill... then back to the moves.... then end with the treadmill....

And my half hour is up yessssss!!!!!....... noooooooo..... we are not done?????

Ok, Frankie says, we're going to have you walk at a 3.0mph pace on the treadmill and I'm going to increase the incline 2 degrees every minute.... start at 2 degrees.... then four... six..... phew I can feel that burn.... eight.... I feel like I'm mountain climbing.... ten.... oh this minute is longggggg..... eight..... ahhhh that's better.... six..... I can do this.... four...... piece of cake.... two..... walk in the park..... done.

Next week we take my measurements.... and I have to start a food diary........

torture session 5/52

***JOY***

NUMBER F-O-U-R

Tuesdays back. Oh how time flies when you're not looking forward to something. Again my day off has landed on a Tuesday and I don't want to go to the gym!  Again the fact that I paid primo dollars for my training session has me slapping myself around because I HAVE TO!!!!

Also the fact that we went out for lunch this afternoon and I had clam cakes and chowder.... And lobster rangoons....next fact is, it wasn't that great so to get fat because of ok food is unacceptable!  So my inner voice is sitting there saying go ahead and sit on that couch watching Ellen fatty!  That and the fact that I let myself have such a lame work out yesterday.......

So I had my V8 juice and apple cider vinegar to flush my body of some of the grease I just ingested and I will drag my butt to get my weekly Frankie beat down.

I shall refer to this session as F YOU FRANKIE!!!!!

I suppose I shouldn't have told him about my clam cakes because oh my God he kicked my ass.

Tonight we started with dead lifts. Me thinking we were gonna do our normal spaced out 2 sets of 10 reps told him to add ten more pounds on.... Then he thew a curve ball of back to back sets of ten... three of them... Thirty friggin 55 pound dead lifts all in a row.  What's the point of calling them sets if you put them all together????  When I went to walk away my legs felt like rubber!

Them he grabs a bench and we move on to what Frankie calls AMAPs aka As Many As Possibles... So he shows me the three moves I have to do. First move he calls pistol squats where you stand up on one leg, sit down, and then lift yourself using just that one leg rotating legs every time you stand.

Then this move where you hold a 20lb barbell and you swing it like a pendulum between your legs and then up over your head while squatting into it when it goes through your legs. Then onto transition push ups.  You have one hand on a medicine ball and one on the floor, you dip into a push up and when you come up you, still with the one hand on the ball, move the other hand to the ball and then switch the other hand to the ground.... This is the move that almost made me quit.

yea.... I don't look like that.............

I managed to get through three and a half sets over the course of my given 15 minutes. Frankie made it look so damn easy.  The pistol squats were horrendous especially after doing those dead lifts. I discovered my right leg is MUCH stronger than my left.  I felt like I had been shot in the ass every time I did the left leg!

 The pendulum wasn't too bad I took my time with these just to give myself a friggin break! Then the transition push ups, Frankie you fn suck...... 

This move was 100% torture. Every single second of it. I found myself drenched in sweat and I mean like 'shit did I just get out of the shower' soaking wet. I had to tune everyone out and tell that little voice that was saying "screw you Frankie I don't have to do any of this shit"  to shut the hell up, I was doing this for me and I am not gonna quit no matter how much I hated Frankie for putting me through this. By the third set I found myself staring at that stupid medicine ball sending it imaginary atomic bombs and plotting Frankie's demise. 

Thirty minutes was plenty, I don't know why I ever think it's not going to be enough. If I had time to look at the clock I would be willing it to move on but rather I have to count my seconds in measurements of pain.

 I told Frankie, after we finished, that I feel like I just crawled out of hell... His response was 'hey but you made it out!' He also told me I have come a long way from day one with him.... And all of a sudden Frankie is back to being my best worst friend. Awwww thanks Frankie.... 

No pain no gain!!!!!!! 4/52

***DRENCHED***

Oh what a nothing day....

Ever have one of those days where you just want to be... just be.... and then your eyes open wide because your alarm is going off and all you can thing is WHY!!!!???

Up and at em... today I had to fix myself up pretty for our wonderful photo shoot at work.  Now there is nothing like waking up on the wrong side of the bed and having to suffer through a two hour smile fest.

Not to mention I had to wear a white shirt.... LB does not wear white.  White always ends up with coffee dribbled down the front or V8 juice or some mystery spot....  Never fails.  So that means no coffee and no V8 juice and avoid all mysterious colored objects all day.   I made it through the day, very surprisingly, spotless.

By 3pm my energy had hit a total wall. Between interviewing people and smiling pretty for the camera, man you have no idea how exhausting it is!

Driving home I was fighting to keep my eyes open. But I made the decision to hit the gym...  I put my gym shoes on first thing when I get home... I know that I will not be moving if I let myself sit down...

I get to the gym and I just do not want to do anything.  I ran on the treadmill for 6 lousy minutes... didn't even want to be on it.  I didn't want to run I really didn't want to do anything.  So I get off and hit the ladies weight room.

I start with the inverted bench row.... and instantly hit frustration.  I was cut off on my way to the weights and right when I was about to grab the 15s this chick grabs them.  Whatever, I moved on to the single 20lb barbell. But now I was back to being irritated.  I finished off a couple stes of those then managed to do some lunges, the move I hate the most.   Forced myself to do 2 sets... or was it three?? I really wasn't even paying attention.  Tossed in a few sets of chest flys and finished off with a minute plank and both side planks.

Grabbed my stuff and headed to the rowing machine just to find it was occupied..... So I left.... and I feel as though it was the crummiest work out ever... but I still made it to the gym.  I'm starting to feel like I actually need Frankie........

***TIRED***

oh Frankie, my Frankie....

Tuesday arrives and I have a full day of work. First day back in ten days.  I must say I actually have the desire to go to the gym and work of some of my frustrations.....

7:30pm comes around and I go to meet up with Frankie, my Frankie....

Today we are doing torture stations.... 5 sets of four moves in which I have only 4 minutes to complete each set.  If I complete it before the four minutes is up, I get to rest... If I don't complete it, I move right into my next set with absolutely no rest.  I have 20 minutes to complete all 5 sets.

First up, spiderman mountain climbers.... 20 of those... then on to my childhood favorite JUMP ROPE! Fifty of those.... Then we move to the drop and pop (sounds like a stripper move to me)... this is kinda like a squat and lift holding 30lbs... 15 of those. Then to finish it up we get bicycle crunches, just 40 of those he says ;)

Ready set Go!!!! Round one spiderman spiderman spiderman, jump jump jump, drop pop drop pop drop pop, cycle cycle cycle... ouch that kinda hurts... ok done!!! Nice job he says 1:10 to rest.... breath breath breath breath shit really Frankie, a minute ten is over already... yes get up! Five four three two one go!

Spideerrrrrman, spiiiiiderman spiiiiiiiiiiideeeeerman....... jump jump jump jump, shit trip, jump jump jump, drop pop drop pop drop pop, phew sweating........ bicycle ouch bicycle ouch bicycle ouch.... DONE!  Great job even faster than the first one! You get a 1:20 left. Chug chug chug so freakin thirsty. Man rest time over already!

Three two one go!  Spiderman spiderman spiderman, keep your butt down!!! spiderman spiderman spider man, i said butt down!!!! Jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump TRIP jump jump , pop drop pop drop pop drop, shit I can't wipe the sweat from my eyes, bicycle bicycle shit this really hurts.... done! Back to 1:10 to rest.... I'm just gonna close my eyes for a second ok Frankie, my Frankie.... shhh shhh shhh.. no talking.....

Ready set go!!!! F*CK!!!!!  Last two sets you got this... climb climb climb jump jump jump pop pop pop cycle cycles cycle rest rest rest....

Ready set go!!!!!!! Last set ****Sweet I can take my time******

Done!!!! 1:30 left nice job!!!!

So, here's something you shouldn't say if you're done for the day... Man that means you still have more stuff lined up, we still have ten minutes left...

Well, since you say that I guess I can add more he says... oh no nonnonononono no no that's not what I meant.

Always can tack on abs!!!!

Please God save me now...


30 seconds on 30 seconds off.... lean back and lift your legs.  Frankie makes it's look so damn easy!  Let me tell you, if you ever want to feel how long 30 seconds can be try this move!  5 reps of this.
So last session Frankie made me feel like I had a C Section, well with this move I feel like I was practicing labor breathing.. hee hee hee hee hee hoo hoo hoo hoo hee hee hee hoo hoo hoo.... w.t.f

Now to finish it off he wants to stretch... I can do stretching! I like to stretch!

He wants me to do this yoga move where you place your hands to the ground, walk out with your hands to make an upside down V, then drop my butt and abs towards the ground without touching to ground and go into the cobra pose.... Again, Frankie makes it look so F**king easy!!!

I form the V, piece of cake... then I go to drop my butt and abs.... I don't move. My body is going ohhhh I don't think so Liz!!!!! So I try again ehhhhhhh... yea Frankie, this is NOT gonna happen!

He laughs, ok then just lay on the ground and go into the cobra... this I can do!!!


And we are done.......


Amazingly the next morning I woke up and... I was not sore......


Torture sesh 3/52

**IT'S A MIRACLE**

What not to do after your muscles have been torn apart...

So we took the kids to this water park that was not your typical water park.

This place sounded so amazing! It had rock climbing, zip lining, inflatable park, cliff jumping, rope swings, water slides, and all the swimming you can imagine!

So we get everyone loaded into the car and drive an hour and a half south to this amazing brownstone park.

First thing we do is scale this rock wall and jump onto a float where you have to balance yourself (using all your torn Core muscles) on all fours  i crawl to the end of the float where the next person jumps off and launches you high into the air. Of course I had to be determined to keep my balance and crawl my way twenty feet to the end of the float and have my entire body tossed like a rag doll into the air...

Next we moved onto the rope swing... NEVER do the rope swing after you have an ab tearing workout.  This is how it went:

We climb up the side using the rope net. Then the kids chicken out so now that I made them feel like pansies I have to jump.  The guy hands me the wooden handle and tells me to pull it to my chest, walk off, and pull it back to my chest after I feel it pull tight, then let go when I want to... That's how it should have went; this is how it actually went:

I pull the rope close to my chest, step off, feel it pull tight and try to pull it back, my torn abs scream at me and my arms let go and I go face first chest first into a hard water wall knocking the wind out of myself and feeling like I was punched on the face. You hear everyone around yell "oooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!"

Yea it felt worse then that...

And that wasn't the end of it... Two kids wanting to do everything!!!! But only if YOU do it too! Can't be known as the bum so gotta attempt everything once.

Off to this giant slide, that looks like a slip and slide on steroids.  It really looked easy enough you just jump on it, side down, and ta-da! your done!
Well, maybe for your average Joe but not for this gal!  I jumped on it full force and the bounce threw my body backwards again ripping open my gut and all I could see the whole way down was stars!  I did not get water up my nose upon impact though so consider that another great feat!!!

The easiest part of the whole day was strapping myself into a harness and ziplining down a 150 foot cliff into the water.  Asides from losing my bottoms I'd say that was pretty harmless!

Now one of the kids wanted to do the giant raft you jump on (see prior incident of rag doll) and of course I was elected to go... it really wasn't so bad, except this time I jumped and missed the center and was thrown immediately into the water.... I'm not gonna say I was upset about that.

So four hours later and literally swimming the whole day we were all wiped out and ready to go.

All I can say is I need some ibeuprofin and a hot tub...

***zzzzzzz...***

Torture Sesh number T.W.O

So I took the weekend off from the gym due to my inability to move. Yea, my fiance thinks it's so funny too.

Managed to get my butt moving Sunday for the Red Sox game.  As long as I was sitting  was fine! But I swear I saw the devil at the top and bottom of the stairs to and from my seat.  Although I was able to walk with no assistance from the railing...

So Monday comes around and I decide to take my fiance up on a friendly game of tennis.  That wasn't so bad.  We play all the time.  I'm used to moving like that until I try the stop full sprint and twist to the left for one of those stupid fake me out balls. Woooooo thigh and belly are still torn open!!!

I was able to drag myself through a whole match just to lose 4:3... but that means I won 3 ;)

7:30pm another appointment with Frankie.  This time we're focusing on cardio and arms. OH FOR JOY.

We start with jump rope... this isn't that bad, children do this.............. Well I didn't fall, I take that as a triumph.

Next we did abs, this move I renamed the phantom chair.  Just one minute Frankie says... Liz that was only 20 seconds keep going... you still have 30 come on girl..... ok you're crossing your feet is making it harder for you straighten out.... ok you're done now that wasn't so bad Frankie says... as he's standing over a soaking wet Liz writhing on the floor in pain. Conclusion: Frankie is a wizard who knows how to freeze time.

Dead lifts are next.  I have to say, that was actually not so bad.  But I should have known the worse was yet to come... on to arms.  Start with the inverted row... again not so bad.... then he says ok lay on this bench with these two 17.5lb weights above your head WAIT WHAT?????

Chest flys! Oh my friggin God these are like the lunges for arms.  10 reps of pure pain!  Before we went to the second set Frankie was nice enough to change out my 17.2lb weights to 15lb weights.  Wow, very generous, thanks pal now if you could just catch them before I drop them on my face that'd be great.

I comment as I'm walking out the door "I think I liked these exercises much better than the leg stuff!!!"

And then I woke up the next morning......


They always say feel blessed you wake up every morning!

Well THEY obviously have never done chest flys!!!!

Torture session 2/52

********OUCH*********

So this is Frankie......

So after my first day at the gym and the dreaded phone call from Frankie, I managed to drag my self back to the gym twice.  My legs were killing me, I needed to support myself with the railing when I walked down the stairs.

I was sleeping like a baby at night.  Usually I have to take melatonin but since my ass kicking I think my body was trying to stop me by shutting down... completely.  8pm bedtime all week. Then 7am eyes wide open!

So comes Friday 11am. The dreaded first torture session. In walks Frankie.  He looks like an average guy. Calm, cool, collected.  We sit down and talk for about ten minutes... what are my goals, how I'm going to get there, etc....

Then on to 30 minutes of pure pain...  Lunges, squats... WHY DO YOU ALL LOVE THESE TWO TORTURE MOVES!!!!! Crunches, not so bad, then on to the inverted crunch... just ten of them he says...

SCREW YOUR TEN UPSIDE DOWN CRUNCHES!!!  He doesn't tell you it's two sets of ten on this torture device they call the inverted bench!  I think I literally felt my abs rip open.  Congratulations Frankie, you just help me simulate a C-Section!

So as he walks out calm, cool, and collected still.... I attempt to walk up those damned 47 stairs all while trying to hold my crumpled tortures body together... and I still had to drive home...

Torture session 1/52 :


***DONE***

How it all began....

AM- "Do you have a gym membership??"

Me- "Pssssshhhhhhh hahahahaha NO!"

AM-"lol I'm thinking about joining this gym near me"

Me- "I could join a gym get my booty in shape!"



And that's how it all began......

My wonderful cousin/maid of honor made the leap and joined a gym..... and so did I.  What's the big deal? I have been trying to lose weight just through dieting so I guess jumping on a treadmill a couple times a week can only help me reach my goal.  And so we made our first gym date, at 7 o' clock in the morning.


Now, I am not a get up and go type of gal.  I enjoy waking up and having a cup of coffee... watching the today show and kelly & Michael. So needless to say, I did not make out date.  I canceled.... And I spent the whole weekend thinking about going to the gym.   It's the thought that counts, right?

More like Karma's a bitch!!!!

So Monday roles around and I decide after work I AM GOING TO THE GYM.  I text AM and we set up our next gym date for that evening.  Well, this time she canceled on me.  But I am determined to get my butt moving.

I had signed up online so I ask AM what I have to do to get my little key chain.  I really was not in the mood to talk to anyone after a full day of fake smiles and customer service.  She tells me, "Oh it's so easy, just walk up to the desk and say you signed up online, and they'll give you a key chain and you're good to do your own thing..."

Yea, Karma's a bitch.

So I walk in and look for someone at the main desk... I must have looked like a sitting duck because they pounced!!!!!  All of a sudden I'm sitting down with your a-typical gym trainers.  There was the big black guy with bulging biceps... there was the angry white guy with the stare that looked like he hated my soul... and there was Mr. Paulie-D blow out.

Did you know every membership comes with a free evaluation and personal training session!!!!???? Because God damn it was my lucky day!!!!!!!

So I learn that I am 33% body fat with a BMI of 28.  Wow, I sure feel awesome about myself right now.  So, Mr. angry man and Paulie-D blow out take me and run me through a half hour of squats, and lunges, and resistant bands.... treadmill and crunches.... then we sit down and go over how I can look so wicked awesome hot on my wedding day if ONLY I sign up for personal training!!!


Now anyone who knows me knows I am a SUCKER! I cannot watch QVC or HSN, can't look at infomercials, or those new diet fad supplements!  I always give in.  So my month to month $10 membership turned into a 52 week personal training membership for oh what a pretty penny.

Not only that, I now have to walk up the 47 stairs to get back to my car.... Mr. Paulie-D blow out walked me out to make sure I didn't fall down the stairs.  And I couldn't walk for literally 4 days....

But I made it back the following day with AM and then the phone call came... "Hey Liz, it's Frankie I'm your new personal trainer... looking to set up a time soon....."


***GULP***