Ten.

Frankie tried to kill me.


The end.

Ok so here's how it went.  I had a great day off. I went kayaking, it was a beautiful day water like glass sun shining... perfect End of September....

I went home made some tune and had it with baked ruffles... just to tie me over until I get home and can eat.  Really was the littlest serving, but the biggest mistake....

Frankie texts me to let me know he's running a little late.  That's fine I hadn't left the house yet so I finished cooking my shepherds pie filling... smells great and I can't wait to come home and eat it.

So I show up about 5 minutes late and Frankie is already inside... so much for him being late....

And then the slow death began.... Straight to the treadmill. Run a half mile in 3-5 minutes.  No problem, I set the speed to 6.3 and start my run.  Then Frankie comes over and moves the incline to 3. Hey!  I did not agree to that!!!

From there he has me do 5 push ups followed by 20 squats...

 Oh my God did that run wind me.... It was all over at that point!


But it had only just began... We move over to the 65lb barbells again.... Ok so time for dead lifts... This time it's a dead lift row.  We're going to do 4 sets of 8, all gradually increasing the weight.... First we start we the empty barbell.  It's a slight struggle.  My rings always get in the way when we do these but I really don't want to take them off :(

After the first set he moves me to a mat and has me do "raccoons."  This is basically a crunch where you lift your head and knees at the same time, knees to head... It's called a raccoon because raccoons curl themselves into a ball like that... yea ok sure whatever you say.... 15 of these.  Wouldn't be so hard except every time I did one my whole body would slide down just a little bit so by the 15th one I was almost off the mat.

Now back to the dead lifts... Frankie has added 10 lbs... now onto 75lbs... I do the first one and my rings dig deep into the pad of my hand.  I have no choice but to take them off so I do and place them with my keys "Frankie you better be watching those!!!!!" He thinks it's funny....

So 8 dead lift rows... He keeps telling me to stick my butt out more and arch my back but it's hard to do that when your being weighed down with 75lbs... but I complete them and back to the stupid raccoons, I have to keep count this time because Frankie has to go find more weight.  I always lose track of my reps that's what I pay him for!!!!

So I think I did 15, it felt like I did 30... and back to the dead lifts rows where he has added 5 more pounds... now we're doing 80lbs... oh man this is starting to suck.  I wish I still wasn't out of breath from my half mile run up hill.

Back to raccoons, man after the 10th one those last 5 really SUCK!

Back to dead lift rows with 5 more pounds and now we;re at 85lbs... W.T.F.  Last set though I tell myself.  Ok so the last 4 were definitely a struggle and on to the last set of raccoons... and done!

Oh but wait, there's more!  Why do I feel like I've already been here for a half hour??

Frankie asks me to grab the mat and he grabs two 10lb plates and a 25lb plate... Not gonna lie I feel like I could kill him right now.

So we're doing Frankie's version of suicides.  25lb plate on the ground, lean down and push it about 20 feet then leave the plate and run back.  Do mountain climbers for 30 seconds, except this time place your feet in the 10lb plates and drag the plates with your toe, get up run back to the 25lb plate and push that another 20 feet.  Run the 40 feet back and do 30 seconds more of mountain climbers with the 10lb plates... finish that and run the 40 feet back to the plate and push it back 20 feet, leave it there and run back 20 feet and do 30 more seconds of mountain climbers.... get up run back to the plate and push it back to the starting line.

All I'm thinking is "you've got to be kidding me...."
So I start.  Pushing the plate is not so bad and neither is running back but let me tell you, those Goddamn mountain climbers f'n suck.  Like seriously WTF.  My friggin hamstrings were burning after ten seconds.  Not to mention those stupid plates slide all over the carpet so now I have to keep my friggin balance.  30 seconds is a long ass time!!!!!!!!

This is where the tuna for a snack turns into a horrible idea... you know when you start to feel your dinner in the back of your throat... and I still had to finish off these stupid suicides.  This literally was pure torture.  Now my head is pounding and I want to throw up... but I finished... Thank the lord I finished.........

I collapse on the mat panting trying to compose myself.

BUT WE'RE NOT DONE.....

Now Frankie wants me to jump rope. 100 jumps, if I trip up I have to do 5 sit-ups.This is the longest God damn session I have ever been through.  After those friggin mountain climbers my legs are like rubber. I attempt to jump and I just can't get it.  This is cruel and unusual punishment.  So Frankie says, ok you only have to do 50 jumps... I do this all the time at home I can do this. So I blast through 50 jumps, Frankie says ok keep going!  So I make it to jump 90 when I trip up... time for crunches he says... you mother f'er....... I tell him crunches REALLY are not a good idea right now unless he wants to wear my dinner.... so he lets me rest and tells me ok just do side crunches... you know the ones where you lift your elbow towards the opposite knee... alright let's just get this over and done with... but now I have to do ten because it's rotating sides. I finish that and Frankie says, you're not done yet you still have ten more jumps.

F YOU FRANKIE!
Ten jumps done and I throw the rope and say I'm going home.  Screw taking my measurements tonight, now I have to concentrate on keeping my tuna down...

Needless to say, I will not be having shepherds pie tonight. Thanks Frankie.

Torture session 10/52

***VOLUNTARY MANSLAUGHTER***

Number Nine.

So I show up at 6pm for my training session with Frankie.... 6:01...6:02....6:03.... No Frankie.... So I go to the desk and the same girl from Tuesday is there "No Frankie again???" I ask and she gets the gym owner.  He says he'll call Frankie and get back to me....

Frankie thought he said 6:30, he'll be here in 15 minutes.

My wonderful cousin who is the reason I joined the gym to begin with is here tonight though so I'll just find her.....Uh oh the trainers have found her first.  She made it through 2 months without them sinking their teeth into her.  It was inevitable, complimentary training session!!!!  Ok you have fun with that, hope you didn't plan on walking for the next five days :)

Frankie shows up and we get straight to work.  He grabs a bench, which is about 2 feet off the ground. He jumps up on the bench and says "Would you be comfortable doing that?" Sure, why not? Ok...

So I stand in front of the bench, when you're actually getting ready to jump up the bench looks a lot higher than it did when Frankie did it.... Oh boy, my coordination is not very good.... here goes nothing. I made it effortlessly!  Now just nine more.... Jump up, step down.... Jump up, step down.... ten times, made it!

Now sit on the bench and do sit ups, feet on the ground, butt scooched right up to the edge.... 10 of those.... piece of cake.....

Then he grabs that great 65lb barbell... dead lifts pulling the bar up to my chest... 10 of those.... not so fun but not so hard...

Now repeat!  This time on about my fourth jump my toe catches the bottom of the bench and I stumble... I catch myself, but I stumbled... Frankie doesn't flinch but he does compliment my wonderful recovery.  He says "Did you see how fast I moved to catch you!??"  I say "I didn't see you move"  "Exactly!  So don't let that happen again, I have horrible reflexes."   ........That's comforting......

I make it through four sets when my cousin comes over, all red faced and panting... her session is done lol.  So she watches me finish up my last set and Frankie asks her if she wants to do some planks with us..... WHATTT!!!!!!??? There's more????? Oh man I thought I was done......

She says "Sure!!" so over to the mat we go.... now these aren't your typical planks..... this is stand, walk yourself out with your hands into pushup formation with then onto your elbows in plank position, but don't plank, move back to push up position and do ten mountain climbers.... then back to your elbows and back to push up form then walk yourself back to standing position...

Really didn't seem that hard... so we both begin, my cousin now understands why I do not want to work out after I have completed a training session.... She's like oh screw this I'm done! So she takes off and leaves me alone with Frankie...

We go through five reps of the mountain climber push up plank move and then finish it up with 30 second planks... first one plank and extend one arm.... Made me feel like superman, this apparently is supposed to help engage the core... when you're not concerned with keeping your balance like I was! Next I switch arms and do the other side, next one i have elbows down and lift on leg off the ground (still extended straight) then the next with the other leg... last two are on the side one elbow to the ground one arm extended towards the sky.... and then rotate sides.....

Torture session 9/52


***DONE***

Seven and Eight.... and supposed to be nine....

I have had such a bust life this past month!  Work has kept me so busy.  We remodeled our store and completed a grand reopening.  I have been so exhausted!  14 hour days, sore feet, and sleep deprivation.

Even through all my exhaustion I have still kept with Frankie.  Made every single appointment and even dragged myself to the gym all by myself.

Session seven:

Frankie tried to get me to do this move holding a 65 pound barbell at my chest, then I was supposed to dip, rise and press the bar above my head, but then as I lift the barbell I was supposed to dip again while pressing the barbell all the way over my head.... I COULD NOT DO THIS!  Not because it was too hard but because my mind could not understand what he wanted my body to do!
Frankie actually made me put the bar down and simulate the move without the bar.... I think he found it humorous. I just could not get it.  Finally he says ok back to the bar.  So I try again, and try again, and try again each time saying "DID I GET IT!???" and Frankie saying "uh........no...." "DID I GET IT!!!????" "Well...... kind of....last one let's get it this time"  "Ok That HAD TO BE IT RIGHT!!!!?" "Yes! That was it! No, I'm lying you didn't do it.... just put the bar down." Ok... A for effort tight? :)

Looks something like that except imagine in phase c dipping again...

 Then we move on the Frankie's favorite three sets of three different moves.

We started with his the rowing machine. As we head over there I say "Oh good I like the rowing machine!" He mumbles "You won't after this......."
First I have to row 100 meters, Frankie says I have great rowing form.  Damn straight! This girl knows how to row. I wasn't lying when I said I liked the rowing machine....

Then he has me do 10 burpees... you remember these.... Frankie says he saw a poster imitating "The most interesting man in the world" you know the guy from dos xx beer commercials... (I don't always drink beer, but when I do I drink dos xx...) Well the poster said "I don't always do burpees; but when I do, I never do them for more than five minutes"
I.HATE.BURPEES. end of story. Here's my poster:

you try doing these ten in a row... and yes this pic depicts fluid motion... ready set go!

So after suffering through the burpees and my burning legs Frankie has me do his version of crunches, holding a twenty pound weight.  I couldn't do them last time but this time they seemed so easy!  Frankie told me they're not easy, I'm just progressing.  I like getting a figurative pat on the head (what a good girl!!).

We went through this three times.  My God I have never been so happy to get through a half hour workout.  Those Burpees are AWFUL!

Torture session 7/52

Session 8:

I really was not feeling well today.  I had the day off and cleaned the house top to bottom.  My allergies were thanking me for all the dust I fed them. I had my appointment at 7:30 and I fell asleep at 6:50... granted I woke right up at 7:05 but needless to say, I did not want to go see Frankie.

It's like he must have known because this was actually not so bad.
This was just a set of two moves.
Run a half mile and then do 12 reps on the assisted pull up machine.
So I ran at 5.8... did a half mile in about 3 minutes.  Then I did my 12 pull ups using just 90lbs this time, last time I had to use 100lbs (progress!!!)
Then back to running.... this time I put it to 5.9... Frankie did not like that.  He got a little sarcastic with me "Wow, really pushing yourself today aren't ya" So I shoot him the look and move up to 6.2.... "Now that's what I'm talking about" he says.
Then we go to use the pull up machine and this woman has decided to camp out on it.... Seriously lady? So on to plan B.  Frankie says you'll just have to do a pull up... I THOUGHT WE WENT OVER THIS FRANKIE!
Only he just wants me to jump up and add resistance rather than try to pull myself up or hold myself up. Not bad, I feel like I'm cheating myself though.  He has me do this 12 times.
Back to the treadmill, I set it to 6.5. Last set let's get this over and done with! "Tha'd a girl!"
Then back to the jump up pull ups, that lady was STILL at the pull up machine... come on now....

But that only took 20 minutes, we still have 10 minutes left. So Frankie moves me to a machine deep inside the elusive "Men's" section of the gym... you know that section, grunts and bulging veins....
We are at the cable machine to work on my tri's.
He has me sit on the ground with the cables set in the highest position and pull them down.  He says this will help me to be able to do a pull up (I told him that my goal is to be able to do one pull up by the end of the year).  He has me do three sets up ten strating at 40lbs moving up to 50lb and then 60lbs.  I struggled on the 60lbs but I did it!

Frankie then says he brought his own tape measure and asks if I want to take my measurements... Sure, why not?
I have lost:
1/2" on my waist
1/2" on my hips
1/2" on my thighs
nothing on my arms
and I have GAINED 3/4" on my calves???? I don't think that first measurement was right unless all my 1/2"s went straight to my calves...... and all this time I thought everything goes straight to your hips!!!

Torture session 8/52

Session nine:
This session is to be continued... I showed up but Frankie didn't :(
Guess he got in trouble for his tattoos and got sent home and no one called me.
I was not happy.
Rescheduled for tomorrow. He better have a good set lined up.


***REDO***

On to S_I_X

How quickly  a week goes by, last Tuesday went and this Tuesday came.   This Tuesday I spent half my day at work running around like a fool, couple hours spent in a funeral parlor surrounded by Lilies.... those of which I am EXTREMELY allergic to... So after leaving and sneezing and going through a box of tissues I REALLY did not want to go see Frankie.  I actually had the "Hey can we reschedule" text typed out about 7 times.... but each time I erased it saying no, no, no.... allergies and exhaustion should not be a reason to cancel on Frankie....

So I get my self dressed and head to the gym.  When I get there Frankie walks over to me "You are here!!!!"  I think to myself, shit did I actually cancel and have taken too many Zyrtec to remember?  Frankie then explains he was over filling out my workout for the night when another client of his sits down and says Ok are we ready!  Like it was her time.... I said oh no no no no Frankie, Tuesdays at 7:30pm are for LB only! He laughs and says I know, I had you first anyways. So he goes to let the other one down and tells her to leave. DAMN STRAIGHT!

So the work out begins.  Frankie guides me to the assisted pull up machine, that of which I have never  seen nor have absolutely no desire to go near.  He explains for me to set the weight to half my body weight and it should be just hard enough but just easy enough.  He then says, sooooo what weight should I put it at? Remember the more weight you put the easier it will be.  So I chose 80lbs... I'm 167 that should be fine.  Then I look at the machine and er what exactly am I supposed to do here? these machines are all greek to me. He tells me to put my knees on the arm and hands on the bar, but don't kneel before you grab hold of the bars!  So I pulllllllllllllllllllll myself uppppppppppp wtf this shit is hard!?  So he stops me and adds 20 lbs (I hope he isn't saying I'm 20lbs heavier lol) Now I had to do two sets of ten... oh man I have no upper body strength... I suck at arms... after the two sets he decreases the weight by 10lbs and now I have to do 8 of these.... What.A.Friggin.Struggle.

Now on to another one of his favorites, AMAPs.... As Many As Possibles.  Now I know that these are deceiving.  They don't SEEM to be hard but really, they are a slow torture that makes you so sore the following day.  But hey BRING IT.

So he says we are going to be doing weighted back squats with a weight between 60 and 90lbs.  We started with 65lbs.  6 squats.  I'm actually getting pretty good at these! Yay progress! So I squat my 6, with no problems.....

then we move on to the next....

Hand release push ups... I must say once he told me what they were called I giggled.... I said oh man that is not what they're called and Frankie looked at me so seriously and said yea it is, why what's funny?  HAHAHA oh nothing forget it.... I don't want to explain that one... So I let him explain what a hand release push up is....  Really it's just a push up where you lower yourself completely to the ground and lift your hands (while you're on the ground) then push yourself completely back up.  Just three of these... he always says "just' three... So I struggle through these three, still having NO UPPER BODY STRENGTH...

And he must have thought I was kidding when I told him I have NO UPPER BODY STRENGTH because now he wants me to do one, just one, full pull up.  Right of the bat I laughed and said yea that's not gonna happen but I'll try...

So he sets me up, hanging and I pull, and pull, and pull, anddddd I'm not going anywhere.  So he says ok, well how about plan B?  Jump up and grab the bar at your chin and slowly drop yourself.... Again, I laugh... ok Frankie whatever you say! So I jump up, I catch the bar annnnnnnd I just dropped myself like a ton of bricks.  He's like, um yea try it again just a little slowerrrrr... So I try again a littleeeeee slower..... He says hmmm ok let's try something else.. hahaha ok sure.

He takes the bar and lowers it about 3 feet of the ground and I have to basically lay under the bar, grab the bar to hold myself up with my heels on the ground and do a pull up this way.  This I could do!!!! I was so excited!  And so was Frankie, he's like YES!!!! That's it!!!!!

And then I had to start all over again with the squats, which Frankie has added 10lbs to... no pain no gain!

I have 17 minutes to do as many as possible.  So I got to 7 sets with three minutes left.  Frankie wants me to break ten within the three minutes left. And I did! with 10 seconds to spare, he's like Ok get back to the squats you can get one in!!!!! Yea, let's just say I took my time....... oh shoot out of time....

Guess he didn't like that because, now we run!!! Are you fn kidding me???

He had me do an eight of a mile and follow that with 15 crunches.  The only thing is, the crunches he has me do require me to place my feet together with my knees on the ground, kinda like a diamond, and lay back and then crunch. But I was wearing shorts and it is just such an awkward position with shorts on and he was standing RIGHT THERE front and center.  But I did them.  With a  quick shorts check every time I came up, gotta make sure those bad larry's don't show my hoo ha.

I swear it must be something mental but every time he lets me know this is the LAST ONE my body just stops working.  I tried three times on the last one!  Finally I said three half crunches equal a whole! I'm done!

Today was the day we were supposed to take measurements but Frankie couldn't find a tape measure.. so instead he checked my BMI.  Yay my fat content went down 1.3% and I also learn that 115lbs of my169 are lean muscles... but that also means 54lbs of it is fat... that is n.a.s.t.y

Torture session 6/52

***FINITO***